theCAKmentalist

So it's been a while since a write a decent journal and thought let's do this after the week I've had or few weeks now. So it started just before Easter when I received any email saying I've been nominated for a house I bid on, in total shocking called this number and they infact gave me loads of information on what I needed to do next. The next day I had people coming to view what state the flat was in and they were happy apart from I needed totake up carpets and laminate flooring before I leave which I can honestly see is gonna be a pain in the ass with a frozen shoulder. Any initial reaction of girls was ok obviously a little scared and a little upset about it due to there dad living over the road from us and the fear of the unknown. After a little chat they seemed to be reassured etc. Thought no more on the situation anyway until they went to see there dad and omg did the shit hit the fan. Since then my ex has done sly little things just to cause more stress like talking to the kids about this constantly and trying to manipulate them and make them feel sorry for him so they don't wanna move, he was trying to make out that moving is a bad idea etc etc and this has confused them and probably ruined the excitement for them. I have explained that contact won't change because there's a court order in place and that we will just be moving 10-15mins away but obviously he's blown it out of all proportion and not actually listened to me. Anyway twice last week he's been to the girls school to try stop us from moving and I was having issues with the school because Easter and just before so thought oh shit if they tell him anything that's it he's going to social. After having a think nd seeing logical side I did my research and he can't stop me from moving, he can't really call social because I'm a good mom and I only have the girls best interests at heart so whatever happens I'm cool with because I have nothing to hide. If that wasn't enough I was told I could only have one pet in this new property so that was a heart stopper, anyway my friend said she would help find homes for them and stuff but it came sooner than I thought and was told on Sunday that I had to take them on Tuesday so didn't get timetable process that. I feel absolutely heartbroken that my two favourites had to go first and I feel like such a horrible because it's like I abandoned them, what made it harder was I ended up having to catch the bus and meet my friend God knows where then get off the bus with the 2 cats in tow causing me even more anxiety. It was horrible I've got both cats meowing loudly because I felt like they knew what was gonna happen and made it harder, I had someone on the bus thinking I was taking them to the vet and telling me she could tell they just wanted to go home then got lost and walked past the place we dropped them at twice. Pixel is a timid boy and i was totally he safe space and his world and echo was so loving lately and we'd been through alot together too so yeah I habpve special bond with them because I saw them being born. I'm still in shock of everything that's happened this week but it will make me stronger. Honestly that's not even the end of it, I still had to deal with taking my daughter to her adhd appointment to start the ball rolling on assessments which was scary for elena and I was tired and didn't know what to expect either. There was so much to think about and so much to explain and couldn't take it all in should of taken a note pad really but I should be receiving a letter with everything on there so fingers crossed. Anyway when I felt like things were OK someone who I thought didn't wanna talk to me anymore started chatting again and I was obviously confused, so I thought fair enough seems valid reason not mentioning at first I was unsure of this person now I have some feelings for this guy and felt lost when he didn't chat to me. He's obviously wanted to reconnect after not having a phone anymore but when we first started talking it was fun and had plenty of deep conversations and I just feel like something is different. He confessed a few things last night which he said he held back due to thinking I would abandoned him like a few others but I'm supportive not judgy but then thinking about it that could be a slight manipulation I don't know. Since then he barely spoke because I said that it's OK to feel feelings etc but there should be a certain amount of time spent being upset of something you can't control and to try self oothing techniques. I get that it's hard because I am still stuck in places I don't wanna be but I feel like its opportunity instead of a way of holding myself back mentally but I'm trying to change things bit by bit. Moving is gonna be  massive thing for me and once I'm settled it will be a good thing I believe. I hope people understand what I'm trying to say there but isn't meant to upset but encourage. Tell me about your week

What would unconditional self-love feel like to you? Self love to me is doing everything in my power to uplift my mood and be kind to myself if I go a little bit off track in life or rountines. Realistically I would love to do facials and have baths everyday, I would love to journal everyday, I would love an exercise regime I can keep too and start affirmations and meditation everyday. They are alot of things I feel I need to do in order to be my best self but I know it takes time to build it up. So far this year when I have felt frustrated or sad I have sat and reflected by journaling and it has definitely helped me. I have been researching self worth and self esteem so that's what I feel I need to focus on right now and fully accept the good I do for myself and others and actually accept everything I've done I the past and use that to motivate and inspire myself to do more in life. How can I make myself a priority this week? So this week I actually feel like the only thing I can do for myself this week is to start a facial or pamper regime and see what comes of it. Because I haven't been very well I feel like I need to just do what I feel I am able to do rather than push myself too much. This week I just wanna read stuff of self worth and see what I'm already doing to help build my self worth back up. At least this way I'm acknowledging what I do on a daily basis and how proud I should be of myself. I feel like I need to focus on all the positives I have going on right now instead of the negatives and be grateful for what I'm able to do. I feel like in the past I have actually gone out of my way to seek validation from others which has also had an adverse effect on me and my mental health so I wanna try change that. After doing research I realise that by me trying to seek reassurance and approval from others that it was from lack of encouragement and acknowledgement from when I was a child and that my parents didn't cater to my emotional needs. What I can do today to benefit my future self? Acknowledge that I can't be everything to everyone and that i need to focus on my needs instead of others. If I feel on my needs then I will feel more fulfilled in life and find my self worth and be happy. In turn my family life will be better too and everything else around me. How can I give myself the love and acceptance i needed as a child? I feel my innerchild just wants me to love her and comfort her because she was there through the rough times and only did what she thought was best at the time not knowing what she actually needed. Now I know what she needs I'm going to do my best to make her happy and acknowledge she there and what she wants. I think I'm going to picture her while I self soothe and tell her she's ok and that I am improving self love.

Are there any stories in your life that you're tired of telling yourself and others? What stories would you like to tell instead? I know for years I've been a people pleaser and always thought I wasn't good enough unless I got people to like me and what I do for them. Alot of people have reinforced this with most of the friendships and relationships I've had being the one who always gives too much. I don't really understand it properly but I've always been shown from a young age that I need to do certain things in life just to make people happy even if I've not wanted to do it. So when I've tried to put up boundaries or trued to look after myself I got grief or classed as a shitty friend but now I realise I don't have too and I don't have to let my body in such states to please everyone else. After losing my son early this year I took a step from everyone to see who cared and alot of them did stuff that I never thought they would and that hurt more, I thought I had people to help me through a difficult time and they weren't there, it was nothing new but I had hope in these people. So I knew I had to change and now I set myself boundaries to protect myself. I'm starting to look back on stuff I've done and reflecting on the fact that I've done more than most have done and that it makes me more worthy than them and that I don't need people like that in my life. I wanna be know as the person who climbed many bridges and never gave up for what I wanted out of life, I am amazing, strong and resilent. Consider a time in your life where you feel you have given your personal power away? Now rewrite that story and inst3ad include details of how you handled it with assertiveness and demanded that your boundaries would be upheld? OK so I'm gonna talk about my abusive relationship and how I overcame it. When your first in a relationship you want to make them happy etc so I know it was stupid now but I let some of my boundaries and thoughts go on a few things that I didn't want because I wanted to feel loved because most of my life j just wanted to feel safe. So after a few years and trying to help this said person get to a point where I thought he might be happy. Anyway I got to that point and this person still wasn't happy so I pushed myself further and further over the years till I got to the point where all that went through my head was how the fuck do I get out of this now because I knew if I pulled back I knew he couldn't look after himself. So over the years I stayed thinking he would change eventually. This didn't happen at all and after I had a breakdown I realised I couldn't do it anymore but then I was still stuck because I was put in a situation where I had to look after my 2 children while having said persons brother living with it also. So I sacrificed my safe space in order to help someone again so once I had early help involved again I thought things might change. It still didn't so when his brother left I decided I was gonna start doing things i enjoyed to improve my own mental health and make me stronger to help the next person, what I found was I knew I was better than this and knew I didn't deserve any of this and wanted to leave my relationship no matter what and I never looked back. Since then I've been finding myself ever since trying different things to see what worked for me and now I'm in such a great place and starting a job soon and still progressing in life whatever life throws at me. I feel its just gonna back me stronger. Do you feel ashamed about anything in your life or past? If so, how is that affecting your life now? In what ways do you shame others? OK recently I have openly spoke about a few things I did in my previous relationship that I feel guilty about and how i thought it was the only option I had, so since then because I was so riddled with guilt and ashamed of myself I have changed it all around. I have done multiple parenting courses and research on abuse etc and I will never ever do that again. And because of me trying so hard I don't see why others can't do the same as me so I try put them in the right direction. I try not to be brutal but sometimes I feel it comes out because I sometimes still feel like I'm not a good enough parent because of other situations I've been in and because I still have that negative mindset about how I parent and constantly need that reassurance hence why I'm still pushing myself that hard to prove I am. I've been in a few difficult situations where I want people to tell me the truth and I'm right back there again taking what they say negatively when sometimes I think about it after and realise all they want is to help me. Sometimes it seems hard but it's getting it into a routine for me, I know I write alot of stuff down that's really important but when I'm overwhelmed I find it hard to do the small things but I'll get there eventually. It's a working progress but that doesn't make me a bad mother infact i do everything I can to keep t